During this week I was able to relax and think a great deal about what had happened, why it happened all without the pressure of work. More importantly I could think whenever I wanted, which was frequent and would materialise without any warning and for no apparent reason. I kept myself busy which is not a hard for me.
My sleep was disturbed – often between 4:00am and 4:15am, not so much about the accident but about work and what I was being put through. I would constantly go through the same scenario I had lived through to make sure I would win arguments again. It was futile, but that’s the mind for you. Irrational people do irrational things and they design their irrationality so as to screw you over.
During this week I made a statement for the forthcomingn inquest for the lady suicide victim. Giving the statement was a harrowing experience as I had to take them through the time line of the accident. I was not interrupted and it flowed easily as it was and still is very vivid in my minds eye. It hurt me greatly and both people recognised that. My voice faltered, my pace of delivery often slowed and there were moments of silence where my mind was blank and I needed to search for the next thing to say. I could relive it at anytime – even now. I was asked a number of questions to expand on my job and such. Later In the week I made a few very minor amendments and returned it the same day.
I returned to my doctor and but still felt very disturbed about work and felt that while the ‘thing time’ was good I did not feel I was making the progress I wanted. During the conversation I openly cried about what state I was in. I said I did not want medication and I was going to solve this problem my self. I say my self but what I meant was I did not want other people to fight my battles.
The problem that surrounded Time to Talk and my treatment was discussed and it was thought I might like to seek private help. A name was suggested and EMDR treatment.
I was signed off unfit to work for three weeks.