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Hair strand test

The Social Services make the rules up as they go along. Firsts it’s this, then it’s that, all so they control the situation as they have made their minds up about the outcome they want. It’s wrong.

Out of the blue the new social worker decides they both have to be completely drug free within six weeks. Now this is after they have declared cannabis is not the problem and if they were to insist that all their cases had to be cannabis free they would not be able to get anywhere.

The law compared to social attitudes is in a constant state of flux where very mixed messages are being given out from government and actions by the police vary at the personal desires of anyone who has a view.

Other social workers have all agreed that the circumstances of this case dictates that due to the nature of each person involved that rehabilitation is a long term exercise: so why the change – to set them up to fail.

Our sons partner had another hair strand test that still showed drugs. The time was not six months after the previous test, so we are not sure of the outcome.

Good news time … but at the cost of tears

The long awaited panel day arrived and we were as prepared as we could be. Not 100% sure what the format or style would be but we knew it was an eight person board plus three social services and two scribes.

Arrived on time and duly shown into the Board Room and formal introductions done. There followed a rundown of the agenda.

It became apparent within moments of the chairlady starting to give a precise of the good points of the report that the wrong report was being referred to. Been here before – there are still errors on all the other documents that have been produced!

I did make a comment to this effect when I had the opportunity and could hear the constant typing of the note taker, so assume my comments were recorded.

On that note all the errors must be corrected as they will only reflect the wrong facts of the case in the future which are automatically considered to be true when read in later years.

The questions asked were cross checking our attitudes to what had happened, what preparation we were doing and how we would deal with things in the future. It was traumatic for my better half.

Questions flowed from people around the table and where necessary we expanded the answers so a wider understanding was available. My partner needed a tissue when emotions got the better of here.

The pleasant aspect of the meeting was we knew we know our fate quite quickly. We left the room and waited.

The waiting room is the staff restroom so not private. My partner released her tears quietly but uncontrollably. I could only offer comfort by holding her hands. The chap who had been responsible for the creation of the report came in with a smile. Hmm! He has always been straight with us so I read good into it.

My partner entered first and the chairlady started to talk nearly straightaway. All I heard was … pleased … unanimously … and saw smiles throughout the room. The release of tension was immediate. It was explained that this is a difficult stage to get through. We both had a hard time holding back our emotions, neither of us sat down, we needed to be together to take it in.

We had passed the Fostering Board.

My heart is slowly slipping into deep upset, and resentment.

This place (WordPress and my iPad) is my sacred place, I have no problems with bearing all to all. The ‘all’ is just anyone who stumbles here. I don’t really mind if no one reads it, it’s my world, it’s my history, and I hope those that do have empathy, not created from traumatic circumstances, look after their loved ones and cherish every moment.

It is like dieing slowly. It like all-sorts of people, so many not known, are all making decisions about my son, his partner and our grandson that are slowing killing us.

I do not remember ever being in a state of perpetual tearfulness as I am now. Even with my parents dieing, even with other deaths we have encountered I coped with out a personal drama. We are slowly loosing him to the system and see a beautiful, polite, happy young boy become apart of behemoth service. His innocence of our plight is magical to me.

My state of mind says, at my age, I might never see him again. He will be 18 (15 years hence) before he can decide whether to make contact. Have I got 15 years? That is the first time I have thought about my mortality.

Last week I sat here and cried

How a week changes your life thoughts. I sat in this very cafe and cried to my self. I rested my forehead in my hands in an attempt not to be seen but really wanted someone, yes a stranger, to tap me on my shoulder and ask.

I am sitting here on a baking day, (waiting for the predicted heatwave) amongst people who appear to have no problems. There are eight of them, seven women and one chap. Could be work friends and are chatting about everything under the sun: Gentlemen Jack, it’s forth coming replacement – demanding no one gives out any spoilers.

I look and I see happy exteriors.

A women, who I suspect is a cross dresser, is ordering her meal. Her covered head could reveal more, but it matters not to me.

I look and I see happy exteriors.

The staff here are a collection of mature people all of whom have a strong purpose of service. They are busy busy people who serve their customers with dignity and pride. I don’t see this type of service in any of the chain coffee places.

I look and I see happy exteriors.

I hope they are, as I now know my shell is soft and bruises easily and I am always on guard for a glancing blow to my feelings.

I look and I see happy exteriors.

Thinking back over the last month

It’s only been five days since I was told I did not have cancer and the more I think about life now the more I appreciate how that threat had an impact on my life and was a burden.

I don’t want to sound dramatic and over state my view when I write this, as I feel I must remember the 4 in 10 men who have been through the same range of feelings as I have but with a different outcome. Although I have not got cancer I am now one of the 1 in 10 who may still be diagnosed with prostrate cancer in the future.

At the end of the three month or so process, from initial concern to conclusion my work for my employer slowly ground to a trickle where the easiest of task were enormous. I could not focus or pay attention and had lost the biting interest in work that I have always had. I worked on small snippets of work at home and did the same when there.

My thoughts consistently revolved around the other significant problems I have. The priority was my family problems then University work. The family problems are well documented here, but had to be serviced (and still doing so) the whole time. The Uni work had to be a real low priority where I did things but did not worry about the quality, in fact it was used as a diversion away from everyday affairs.

I appreciate all the people around me at work more than I can thank them form: for how they still included me as team member when I was there. It relieved the silly pressure of me being embarrassed around them as I knew I was underperforming.

My line manager was always kind, always had time for me and never worried me with the concerns he had due to being short staffed. I owe him a dept of gratitude that over time I will repay.

My family have been good and we have just got on with everything as it comes. My better half has worked her socks off supporting all the family with everything that is needed and one day normality will resume.

For anyone who is involved with prostrate cancer please think board and keep a check on reality. I was lucky and I would be writing differently if my news had been negative.

Results …

After a wait I have the results of the biopsy …

27 samples taken – none cancerous.

The relief is instant.

It the small things in life …

Not a big earth shattering thing but …

I have just got home and heard my wife laugh for the first time in months.

Reality check – needed regularly

Over the last few weeks, possible five, my posts have ranged over associated subjects that read in isolation do not directly appear to relate to the mental health of my family and I. This is the dichotomy: mental health cannot be divorced from individuals, or families in the same way other medical conditions can – let me explain.

A broken bone can be plastered, a skin cut dressed, elective surgery has predictive objectives and outcome; all can be traumatic. Relevant to me; cancer can be cured (please don’t flame me). Those around you observe your recover as plaster is removed, dressings removed, recover takes place; crass I know; I am still alive.

For mental health sufferers only those who know your problems are in a position to detect change. It’s all hidden behind cloths and bravado. So the great public in the street, shops, busses etc. can’t detect your anguish that preoccupies your daily life. They just witness your current manner, posture, body language and facial expressions.

In my minds eye, many conditions may cause temporary depression, which in an otherwise healthy person will fade with time, the love and support of people around them.

In my opinion mental health suffers retain this load and it becomes accumulative and creates another layer of ‘hurt’ that has to be assimilated into their very isolated perspective and takes effort to manage and longer to shed.

In my situation, father, I worry deeply about my families health, physical and mental health at the moment.

This is the third cafe I have sat in today typing frantically to express my self. Absolutely no one knows what I feel and the load I carrying. Not even my family who I know unreservedly support me. I am their rock that I hope they have anchored their feelings to. I am their unquestionable support that is there for them 24/7. I am the provider of moral encouragement. I unpick and unpack what they can’t understand or comprehend and return it in bite-size portions of understanding.

Please, I am not saying I can’t cope, I have to, but I have my own mental health issues to resolve as well.

So, this is getting around to say: if you see an individual person in a busy cafe, or sitting on their own in a busy park, don’t panic. They may well be just passing the time while waiting to meet someone, but they could also be wanting to be amongst people and not sharing anything. They may be wishing someone is going to acknowledge they exist. They may be grieving for someone, (death is not the only thing people grieve for.). They could be wanting to see a change in someone in their life. They may understand exactly what they feel they need, but is out of reach. They may not be getting the level of support they have been promised.

How strange – a chap just sat opposite me and acknowledge my existence – that is a good feeling, I need no more.

Take a introspective interest in them: that’s not befriending them for the sake of it, just be compassionate in your thoughts; they could have a perfect life with no concerns, (great) but yet again they could be suffering in silence on the inside.

Getting back to my wayward blogs: all events in life register somewhere in the brain and wriggle around there to make connections.  Some remain unconnected and unresolved and create problems like PTSD – for me earlier in my life.  Those that are connected are either good, bad or indifferent and affect every connection there is – this is not scientific, just my feeling, including your mental health.

Special Guardianship

The need for our grandson to be safe and secure is what is driving us both. His needs must be met for him to flourish.

The process of becoming a Special Guardian is very detailed and stressful. It has a time constraint so a timetable is critically important. Paperwork and paperwork and just just in case you missed it, more paperwork. We have now each had 20 hours of interviews. In which we have visited our childhood through school, into work. Our relationship with our parents, family and friends. Our relationship in our marriage, our parenting skills and motivation for doing this, our financial stability and health. Hmmm! Ah! References taken up, and CRB checked done

Our grandson is not immune in this process, he has had a health and development medicals, and been assessed by the play-school and health visitors and has had work done with him by social services.

This process is based upon fostering, and is supposed to be less onerous, but rigorous all the same.

I have been surprised at how much I have done, and we have done together; and with just a few more forms and interviews left will be relieved shortly. We have about a month to wait.

It’s fantastic it happens at all!

I expect you might already subconsciously manage your own thoughts about the world in an orderly way. I do. But I now appreciate my mood is a big controlling factor. If I am happy, my blog reflects that; if sad, melancholy; if cross I want revenge.

I now also appreciate that my feelings at the time also fall within a particular stereotypical role model(s) that I transition through all day long. I am a husband, father, grandfather, friend, teacher, an engineer, a photographer, a confidant. Ah, I almost forgot, I am in individual, me – divorced from all role models!

Add to this Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and I feel there are three level of consideration in any activity I witness and then after a passage of time want to write about. It is perhaps this passage of time that allows organisation and reconciliation of thoughts to take place to balance the contamination and introduce perspective, which then brings in life’s baggage.

So now there are five interactive processes involved in any memory activity before I start to write, which is then dependent on the command of the written language of English I have and the effort I want to expend. It’s a wonder how all this happens: not only for me but anyone.

D-Day: Operation Neptune

The day of my operation is a strange day. I sit here knowing and watching the day happen around me. My day is detached from the hospital world and the greater world outside.

The television news is reporting on the anniversary of the D-Day Landings and there is family chatter happening in patches around me, along with purposeful people organising everyone.

People who are not patients are ushered out of the waiting area while old news footage of the D-Day Landings are shown on the news reports.

I am not comparing the situation I am in with those people 75 years ago today, in fact contrasting their situation.

I am safe. I have good prospects, even considering the prospects of Cancer. The future has a plan and on the whole I have a good level of control over my life without anyone trying to kill me.

Those chaps who were boarding the landing crafts were in an inherently unsafe place, the odds of survival were low. While there was a plan, I expect they only knew from the last command they were barked at as to what to do next. Lastly they had no control over anything, apart from putting one foot in front of the other while putting themselves in harms way FOR ME.

Hindsight comes with 20/20 vision of history and is a biased view of outcomes that are designed to placate the negative feelings of what you/me or the country has done on our behalf.

Again this is speculation but I suspect the thoughts and emotions of those chaps were based upon the same level of headline details I have about current affairs and those chaps thoughts were tempered with the fact the war had been going for an appreciable time, so the spectre of the outcomes of defeat outweighed the fears. Duty to friends, family, society in general and the country was the driver.

Not many veterans are left to make the historic journey but each one did more than they can be thanked for.

Told the good folk at work

I could not justify not telling them about both situations … my performance is poor.

I have only told my line manager, a project specific manager and two very good young chaps who report to me about my plight.

As my exploratory operation is on Wednesday, and it could be good or bad I felt they should know.

My involvement with the project has dwindled and in effect I have withered on the vine. I should have challenged a lot more events that have happened, but knew I could not resolve them in a timely manner to keep things on side. Starting a challenge needs to be managed or the vacuum it leaves is more disastrous than not challenging: others feel they have succeeded over you.

Neurological tests

As it was not clear what type of neurological problem I might have so I was referred to my GP for tests. The results were a big surprise.

Full blood tests were done and I was expecting a magic arrow to hit a neurological marker. It did not! But it found an unsuspecting high PSA Level – an indicator of activity in the Prostrate glad.

Six weeks later and another PSA test revealed it was even higher result, which was a cause for concern.

So a digital inspection was done looking for problems with the Prostrate glad. Problems identified! It was swollen.

Following this was a high intensity MRI scan was done. This revealed three swollen areas. All graded at a value of two but there existence could not be understood. One area would be at grade two would not have been a problem, but three needs to be further investigated.

Two weeks, or there about, it was a biopsy operation to confirm or deny the existence of Prostrate Cancer.

Now waiting for the results.

The original cause for concern was shelved as recent scans would have revealed any significant problems. That could be for another day!

Today just got worse!

Today has been the saddest day of my life. Not for the reason of waiting for it to be confirmed that I have Prostrate Cancer, but due to the fact that our route to becoming our grandson’s Special Guardian may well blocked due to the condition I am nearly in.

My partner and I have attended a good number of meetings with the social services, completed forms, organised people to provide references, had informal chats and official interviews that have spanned several months. These are ongoing and we both have more formal interviews.

We fully accept the process and have fitted in everything around looking after our grandson, being with his parents on a daily basis and working.

Today it was confirmed that the social worker had recommended that a court case was the solution to deciding whether they could have their son back and what next must be done.

I put it that way as the ‘next’ was to be us becoming special guardians but since starting the process I have blood tests that showed the possibility of having Prostrate Cancer. I have had internal inspections, MRI scan revealing three shadows on the gland and yesterday at a pre-operation assessment given next Monday (three days time) as the date for the biopsy.

Yes, it could be fine if cancer is not present, but the fear of loosing our grandson looms heavily as it is a very heavy a price to pay for something we are not responsible for.

In bed at past midnight and crying aloud brought me to think, write it down. Set the perspective.

I cannot see an enjoyable life without our grandson in it. If he leaves this family we have lost him until he is 18 years old. 15 Birthdays, 15 Christmases, first day at school, first crush, the list goes on.

That is not considering his attitude to his parents or us for not being with him during those precious growing years. He may not want to make contact.

His parents are remorseful about the situation and have done great things to redress the situation and at present are both in shock, both tearful and both cannot comprehend life with no child.

I cannot see the logic of separating him from his family, where he is truly loved, where the situation can be repaired with effort and time. We are his second line of defence and having Cancer is not a threat to him or any relationship he has with us. Being blunt, I think having someone (me) in his life for say two years is better than living with foster parents or new parents.

Happiness quotient exceeded!

The only time I am really happy is when I am with him playing.  Other than that I want to withdraw from life.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment is an understatement. Slowly I am having to open up to a wide audience and explain the situation I am in and I am getting more supportive feelings from friends than I thought.

It is not necessarily from the words but from their hidden understanding they seem to exude: their eyes, their body posture, the fact they don’t know what to say and therefore don’t blurt things out just for the sake of it. Family feel obliged to say things.

I don’t want to be told it’s alright, it will not turnout that bad, or Mr Smith had that and he is ok. I don’t care; what is common between us I have no idea.

I am borrowed time!

My Cancer may or may not be a major problem. Loosing my grandson is more life changing to me, from which there is no recovery.

I want to go back to February 2019 and put things right. Even that is not really early enough, but … I now want to be alone in a crowd and not bothered by anyone.

There comes a time when reality hurts

He is so special that it hurts me to think I can do nothing more than I am …. the system is taking over. I should not have to protect him that’s what parents do, obviously I have screwed up as a father, and my son has failed, albeit in adulthood.

I am sitting in Costas in Portsmouth crying and crying I see no solution to our grandson being fostered or adopted. He will be gone from our life forever.

My son and his partner have apparently been unable to care for him and someone has contacted social services. It’s right and proper to protect him but it hurts and hurts – every time I stop thinking the pain returns and twists me over.

Last Friday my partner was collecting him for a stay over, very normal, could be one night, could be two nights, it matters not. The police either arrived or where there questioning his mum and dad. Social services had been informed by someone that they were not good parents. There may have been cause for concern that our son had fallen backwards down the stairs after our grandson was being cross with being taken out of the bath.

He is bright and very active and he keeps us busy. He is inquisitive, he is able to draw pieces of information together to check things with question, in much the same way he builds towers with tubes. He is able to reuse things he has been told. He understands and recognises sadness and knows he can help to make people feel better. What else is there for a boy of a month away from three years of age?

Drugs were searched for and found. Our sons partner kicked off big time and had to be restrained.

One of the policemen recognised my partner as being one of two (me the other) that collected our grandson when a similar event occurred. I imagined he checked and she and our grandson were allowed to leave.

Well, it’s like this

In a case of the tales of mystery and suspense it caught me by surprise. Sitting happily, pins and needles started in my right foot, travelled up my right leg, through my body, up to my shoulder and into my mouth where my tongue tingled and it felt like an anaesthetic and would not work.

As quick as it started it stopped. I was left wondering whether I had dreamt it or not.

I went home and at about midnight it started again. While not alone I was the only one awake. I called 111 and after a time and three telephone calls an ambulance was on its way as it was thought I could be having a heart attack.

After tests by the paramedics, no heart attack was detected, but good reasons for a trip to the hospital were the thoughts.

5:30am discharged with no diagnosis just a watch and see programme was advised and a trip to the GP.

A friend, a chat

On this occasion time was not pressing so we just I talked and talked. He did know I had been treated for PTSD and I talked about the process of EMDR and without any warning I found my self fighting back tears and not really able to continue the conversation.

I had revisited my past and those memories of the train accident returned at full blast, just full unabated blast. That shocked me greatly. I did not know where it came from and I said that I had thought I had a learnt to manage those feelings and was able to revisit the accident and walk calmly through the scene and accept I could do no more – but how wrong I was.

It was several week ago now and I think of that event with mixed emotions. I was shocked that the memory was still so vividly and emotional for me. Then, how innocent the trigger was.

Reflecting on that, I was pleased that my fear of forgetting the event had not taken place as I felt I would be disrespectful to those who were hurt in the train crash.

What I feel

 

It’s strange … I have written a lot describing the circumstances and plight of the two families in my daily life and not really considered my feelings and attitudes to what is happening. Well, now is the time to unload …

It does effect me. It is not a position I thought I would ever be in. I thought I would be Mr Average and match the statistics: married, 2.4 children, a pet. Blah blah blah.

I do match that description but the problems we have encountered with children are beyond my expectations. I say that as if I had considered the process and made a conscious decision and accepted the risk. No. I had no idea and I don’t think there were any real pointers out there for me to see that would have informed my decisions.

I now appreciate the significance of the saying ‘Children don’t come with a manual’: Not even a go warily. Even looking at those people around me in the formative years of parenthood did not signify real problems. Yes as time progressed sleepless nights, house smelling of nappy contents and the rooms littered with hiding Lego blocks just waiting for nightfall and bear feet did not alert me.

On the humorous side there are Lady Bird books for mum’s and dad’s now. But all in lovely drawn sweet colours and to be taken with a humorous pinch of salt.

My vision of were I am now is simple: In the wrong place! No complaints. I am not disappointed as my mantra has always been ‘don’t look back at unfulfilled wishes’

Looking at the age range the early school years were fun. Seeing growth and personality traits was interesting.

Independence and free spirited youth and the teenagers years were littered with trials and errors made by them. We have supported them all the time. We have never said ‘told you so…’ and we have never cast judgement but let them know our thoughts.

Perhaps the biggest problem is the open and unimpeded accesses to people’s unknown. Starting to loose influence here!

Young adults does mean treating them respect and certainly not creating mini-mes’.

We have had many exploratory conversation so they have understood where we stand on things and have witnessed many learning events they took themselves but never battered them at what they inwardly knew and accept were wrong decisions.

I have only stopped one lad from doing two things and both while in his 20’s. Using his mobile while in the bath while having it plugged into the mains to charge, and overloading his estate car with fence panels etc. to deliver them to me before starting a 200 mile car journey after. His car is his livelihood and I considered the benefit to me was outweighed by keeping him on the road.

All in all I am not where I though I would be, but I am also not sure where that is either.

My partner and I

We have cried together, we have laid awake and talked at three and four o’clock in the morning. We just don’t know what to do. We have two sons in difficult relationships.

We do not think we have been bad parents: there are always things that could be done differently, but nothing major.

It might sound harsh, and I want to say we fully support our sons, their partners and their children, but it is the two young ladies who have both had very difficult and different upbringings that are a cause for concern.

We can only support all of them, and not interfere.  They are our family!

SANE

I attended an introduction evening with the SANE Charity in North London. I had hoped to help them and as a spin-off understand what I could do better my family.

The evening was very well run and delivered a powerful message about what they did and how they did it.

It was only on the evening it became apparent that while a national charity they operated from one office in North London and had a minimum of three four hour shifts in a week over a year.

This was impractical for me due to commitments I already have.

Helping people in their time of crisis is a fantastic thing to do, and while I can’t help now, I may be able to do so in the future. I wish them good fortune in the future.

I am not unique

Reading other people’s blogs who were sharing their mental health issue was mind-calming to me, and I am sorry for being trite, showed me that I am not as unique as I thought I was.

I follow other people and organisation with #tags relating to mental health and such, and find them supportive in a personal way. However, I cannot, yet, declare my identity as I don’t feel safe.

This is contrary to the in vogue message of promoting mental health issues wherever in the workplace etc.

Why don’t I write more?

My life has drastically changed over the last two to three years, mostly for the better, but I cannot see how the grief I have has come my way.  I am not an innocent bystander, I am a bit-part player in other people’s lives, all be it sometimes unwittingly.

I have not been asleep and missed things.  I have not stumbled blindly into situations.  The signals and signs have been there but the onslaught has been relentless and in some cases simply overwhelming.

Well, why don’t I write more?  A simple question, but a complex answer is needed.

I enjoy writing; I like the discipline of being thorough, accurate and ordered. I want to be factually correct, concise, fluent and chronological.

These factors are like the sword of Damocles for me.

For me writing is painfully slow and the end result must be balanced and fully reflect my meaning and sentiment as defending self-contractions in future times is painful.  It could also generate distrust by others.

The problem I see is only I know the facts of my life and this is my perspective.  This is my bubble.  Due to my anonymity no one else can check the facts. My facts may come across as opinions, which can be questioned but are not wrong!  So on I go …

I want to write more often, but the rigorous process stifles me, and stops spontaneity; so I must change.

I plan to write non-chronologically which means I might have to use sign posts to past entries and sign post to future entries which may take a time to be written.  This may mean it looks or feels jumbled but it will aid my desire to write more.

Success will tell when I reflect, in say a years time.

Reflection …

Just remembered an experience – perhaps 55 years ago.  While a young child, I had what people now say are out-of-body experiences.  I would be above me while I was asleep in my bed. Looking down and around, no noise, no panic. I was aware I existed twice.

This is now a reflective comment: during the EMDR sessions I felt involved with the event in a way that my thoughts had barred me from.

In a strange and reflective way this is how I responded when under the influence of the bilateral simulation of EMDR. The emotional feelings were mine but their impact was not present.

Prior to counselling I would cry when recalling either of the two major events I had been through. I don’t now. I would describe my feelings and emotions as being mournful and respectful. However I must not forget!

I am not saying there is a meta-physical connection but a coincidence is present.

Its Wednesday and panic day – again

Deadlines are necessary, they allow whole projects to be broken down into small sections of work and resources allocated and progress monitored. They are a good tool.  However, when one key person lets the team down by underperforming the planned outcome never happens as desired.

I had switched the phone off, turned off the email, ditched every non-essential activity, like making tea and stopping to eat, to make sure I was going to meet my deadline. So with a deadline approaching and the finishline in sight 15 minutes before is not a good time to make changes that generate four or five hours work.  I should say that this was a new deadline specifically created due to Mr Underperforming forgetting this was needed and delivering it to me late. So with expediency in mind I completed minimal changes that I considered acceptable and issued it for checking.

I was castigated over the telephone so much so that I hung up and would not take further calls from him. I dared to issue something not 100% complete.  This was forgetting that the documents issued by Mr Irrational are a pile of incomplete, dimensionally inaccutate, missrepresentations of the partial solutions. But thats ok!

Mr Irrational (not Mr Underperforming) automatically considered that I would stay and complete the work: I could not – prior commitments.  As I would could not stay I had to give everything to someone else to complete. Mr Someone-else could not. He had already spent most of the day in another panic for Mr Irrational answering telephone call after call, email after email while juggling with a keyboard and mouse and taking instruction from three other people. At one stage Mr Someone-else told Mr Irrational that as he, Mr Irrational that is, would not stop and listen to his questions there was no real way forward. Made no difference!

 

Friday and its panic day – again

This particular Friday started with the knowledge that a large issue of documents had to go out by 3:00pm.  This was only necessary as the issue was surposed to be the previous Wednesday but was changed.

Early in the day we were alerted to the problem another office had landed themselves in and we were instucted to complete their work. All resources in our office were deployed so something had to give. At first the project manager had great problems understanding we could not meet both deadlines and had a hissyfit.  Time was taken to explain the problem and it appears he made the decission for the resource to be redeployed and was asked to confirm his agreement and inform the client that the package of work we were responsible for would be delayed, and further delayed as the key person was on holiday the follwoing week – its a tough life but someone gets paid hamsonly to do it.

It then became apparent that the task was not straightforward and the skills necessary to do the job quickly, accurately and consicely were not there, but a start had to be made. More design work was required than anticipated and after lunch, could be 2:0pm it became clear the deadline could not be met.

The project manager insisted that the person who had started the work should stay well into the evening to complete the work and be thankful.  He was serverly upset when told no.

The work was then packaged up and returned to the other office to complete.  Cutting the story short they were still working on it on Monday.

This is a classic example of knee-jerk management that dispite all the effort put in both deadlines were missed.

28 Years ago today!

It seems rather fitting to return to writing today as it’s the anniversary of the train accident I was in. I had not planned this; it just came to me ten minutes ago.

I will backtrack in the near future as I was advised to stop writing at the start of my treatment which started nearly a year ago.

The ‘now’ is good, very good. Today I have remembered and unlike the 27 previous years do not feel guilty, I have no anguish and no tears.

The strange thing is and will always be I was surprised that an event so long ago was the seat of my PTSD.

I don’t know who will read this or my previous writings but if you are suffering please get help.

More very shortly …

Passive aggression is deliberate

This research is starting to reveal hidden depths that people will step down to get either what they want or what they have been told achieve while not being discovered.


Extract:

Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of covert feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2009). It involves a variety of behaviours designed to get back at another person without the other recognising the underlying anger. In the long run, passive-aggressive behaviour can be even more destructive to relationships than aggression. Over time, relationships with a person who is passive-aggressive will become confusing, discouraging, and dysfunctional.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201601/6-steps-confronting-passive-aggressive-behavior Accessed 17/03/2016


Paraphrase of Extract:

Without intent it is not considered as aggressive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201601/6-steps-confronting-passive-aggressive-behavior Accessed 17/03/2016


So, my own claims of being verbally aggressive were not ‘aggressive’ at all as they were done at a time when I was responding very quickly to a situation I was manoeuvred into. There was no premediated intent. I did not want to be aggressive in fact I mentioned twice how much my action really hurt me.


Extract:

To delineate the range of behaviours that can be considered aggressive workplace behaviours, researchers have developed schemes of classification for workplace aggression. Neuman and Baron (1998) offer these three dimensions that encompass the range of workplace aggression:

  1. Expressions of hostility – behaviours that are primarily verbal or symbolic in nature
  2. Obstructionism – behaviours intended to hinder an employee from performing their job or the organization from accomplishing its objectives
  3. Overt aggression – violent acts

In an attempt to further break down the wide range of aggressive workplace behaviours, Baron and Neuman (1996) also classify workplace aggression based on these three dichotomies:

  1. Verbal–physical
  2. Direct–indirect
  3. Active–passive

Aggressive acts can take any possible combination of these three dichotomies. For example, failing to deny false rumours about a co-worker would be classified as verbal–passive–indirect. Purposely avoiding the presence of a co-worker you know is searching for your assistance could be considered physical–passive–direct.

Other researchers offer a classification system based on the aggressor’s relationship to the victim.

  1. Criminal intent (Type I) – this type of aggression occurs when the aggressor has no relationship to the victim or organization.
  2. Customer/client (Type II) – the aggressor has a relationship with the organization and aggresses while they are being served as a customer.
  3. Worker on worker (Type III) – both the aggressor and the victim are employees in the same organization. Often, the aggressor is a supervisor, and the victim is a subordinate.
  4. Personal relationship (Type IV) – the aggressor has a relationship with an employee at an organization, but not the organization itself. This category includes victims who are assaulted by a domestic partner while at work.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workplace_aggression Accessed 17/03/2016


All this to me is starting to make me believe that while I felt wrong and inwardly hurt at work and because of my behaviour I was actually being far more rational than I had thought or even given myself credit for.

No, I am not paranoid, and I am not searching for excuses to offer on my behalf, I am trying to understand. Others are now starting to challenge the action of others as things are catching up with them as well

 

 

Open Offer

As I move through this time of thinking and reflecting on what happened and how I am returning to my former self (I have an internal debate about that) I am starting to notice mental health issues everywhere.

It might sound contrived but a day does not pass without a comment on the radio or a news item on television about mental health. It may just be the typical situation that when something touches you, you become more inclined to see things associated with it: Much like why people become involved with charities.

I feel I want to comment on these things as they have had a direct impacted on me, all be it lightly in my view, but the problem is there are many better qualified people writing about current affairs and being active in this area than me. I only have one view on this and don’t want to just rant about it, or just moan because I can see injustices.

OPEN OFFER: If you are personally affected by a mental health issue or know someone who is and feel they would benefit from having a coherent article written for them please contact me. I will talk with them over an extended period of time and photograph them and write accordingly.

This is not an offer to be their champion and challenge anyone or any organisation on their behalf, but simple to portray their predicament accurately. I will publish their story.

There will be other things to setup to ensure we are working together in a professional way and only after these are in place will we start.

Open Offer

As I move through this time of thinking and reflecting on what happened and how I am returning to my former self (I have an internal debate about that) I am starting to notice mental health issues everywhere.

It might sound contrived but a day does not pass without a comment on the radio or a news item on television about mental health. It may just be the typical situation that when something touches you, you become more inclined to see things associated with it: Much like why people become involved with charities.

I feel I want to comment on these things as they have had a direct impacted on me, all be it lightly in my view, but the problem is there are many better qualified people writing and being active in this area than me. I only have one view on this and don’t want to just rant about it, or just moan because I can see injustices.

OPEN OFFER: If you are personally affected by a mental health issue or know someone who is and feel they would benefit from having a coherent article written for them please contact me. I will talk with them over an extended period of time and photograph them and write accordingly.

This is not an offer to be their champion and challenge anyone or any organisation on their behalf but simple portray their predicament accurately. I will publish their story.

There will be other things to setup to ensure we are working together in a professional way and only after these are in place will we start.

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