I had a scheduled telephone call from TtT team who wanted to go through a set of standard questions I had already completed. There was a problem; I had completed the questions while on holiday and I felt good or rather the catalysis where my problems manifested themselves was not present. This conversation was happening just two days after returning to work and I was suffering as it was as though the Christmas had not happened.
It was decided to redo the questions and then follow up with supporting qualiative questions. During the session I broke down and cried deeply. With help it transpired my hurt and my crossness revolved around not being able to do good for the lady who had committed suicide.
Many years previous I had been involved in a train crash in London while travelling to work on a Saturday. I was not physically hurt but emotionally shaken. I could not help people in the carriage that had rolled down the embankment but I could hear them calling for help. It devastated me. I was healthy, had a small family, a good wife, running a small business and working 60 hours a week as the business was growing. Life for me was really good and in a flash I met, well didn’t, people whose life changed at the flick of a switch. Gone, buggered, stuffed. No matter how I thought of it I could not reconcile my actions with the severity of what had happened and my inability to help.
We were escorted from the carriage to the station and waited out side as we were told transport would be laid on to get us to our destination, I can’t remember who made a quip to the Network Rail chap but he flew at us all and with real aggression bellowed ‘ …. can’t you see we have had a bloody accident …’ We were all shocked and stunned into silence. The group broke up and I went into a cafe opposite and ordered a tea and sat down. I don’t remember paying but I was crying and crying and all I could think of why was it not me. Why had I not been hurt. Why had other people been hurt why were those chosen. Why not me. I even asked other customers why!
I left the cafe and boarded the coach still upset and sat near a window. As we left the station forecourt our exit was blocked by a very generous driver had abandoned his car across the road so we could not leave. There were a number of policemen outside around the car who took time to decide what to do and I am just hope it was the confusion of the event that caused their delay.
I know why: Blood. I fear it, but that is no excuse not to help – I felt. I did not stop my life to get help. I went home that day and went to work the on the Sunday. I vowed from that day I would go out of my way, without ‘interfering’, to help people regardless of circumstance. With the suicide lady I had failed completely. Please do tell me it was not fault. My life’s values took a big hit on this day.
The interview continued and at the end the ladies considered thought was I was suffering from PTSD. They would be in contact to arrange one to one counselling and possible group work after she had discussed my situation with her line manager.
Subsequently I received a treatment plan.