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Christmas delights of ESA

While the festive feelings were still in the air a letter dropped onto the floor. It turned out to be the ESA interview, not the PIP interview.

The venue was the same place as the last PIP interview, but this did not abate the anxiety.

Being nervous is normal for anyone so we sat together in light chatter to offset the anxiety. That questioning moment of – is that door opening for me came several times: and eventually it did.

45 minutes later she emerged, not smiling, no tears but pensive in expression.

The results would be made known in due course. Her doctor would be informed as she had declared the benefits of suicide. That was troubling.

Opportunity not missed

Given the chance to grandstand in front of others our son partner will not miss an opportunity.

Our sons ex-partner came home from a walk with friends. She left her confidant, who is sharing a house with our son, and took the opportunity to go into the house and publicly berate our son in front of those who was there. Complaining it was not fare of him to sleep with her friend!

News – PIP is still alive

A new date arrived in a letter. The good news the venue is much closer and accessible by public transport and two busses away.

So the anxiety can now start to weave it’s magic into a fragile persons life.

Looking at the situation dispassionately

I need to say that if someone keeps poking an open wound don’t be surprised if you are poked back. Take it as a warning – you have over stepped to mark.

The situation is not changing. Abuse is still seen as fare communication and hurt feelings are not even noticed or considered.

My son is in an abusive relationship. He is the aggrieved partner. Much has already been written here about this so …

I believe our sons verbal retaliation has been commensurate with the aggression and rudeness shown to him by his partner, partners mother and her current partner, her natural father, her grand mother and grandfather. They have all rounded on him: from telling him to leave the family home to stop trying to run his business there as it was worth nothing and man up and bugger off.

This might sound I am being impartial but he has man’d up. That is how he has coped with the vitriolic comments from them all.

Their support all adds grist to the mill and supports his partners attitude. Never, to my knowledge, have any of her relations tried to reconcile their relationship and help them in a positive manner. They tell her what she wants to hear. Our son see through this and has had to be honest and tell her and them that they have a one sided view of life. This has not been received well and they cannot really defend themselves.

So a summary: his partner and her five immediate family do not want him about.

He has moved out of the family home and has his ex-partners confidant is resident in the house he shares. She is being used to feed his ex-partner with personal information about what our son is doing and with whom he keeps company.

Now the crux of the issue: if she does not want to be with him – fare enough, life changes people; then let him go and work to be civil for the sake of everyone’s sanity. Let life takes it’s course, don’t be on at him every single time you feel the need. Don’t use the children as a tool to turn the screw on him. Don’t set the children up to resent him by subtle based leading questions, where yes is always the answer. They are programmed to say yes which is what she wants to hear only to reinforce her insecurity. Don’t lay traps for him by questioning her confidant. Last, but perhaps the biggest change: make your own mind up, without fishing for support from your own family who are of the same mind set as you.

Life is good and she can be so much better. However, reconciliation is not on the cards while there is no change or contrition.

Our son wants to be in the life of their children and support them but cost does have limits.

Physical Abuse

Parental duties are taken seriously by our son. He has their children every other week end and visits two nights a week.

He arrived and things were satisfactory. About the time she was to leave to go out a return time was discussed and she declared she expected to be much later than they had previously agreed. This was not really acceptable so he said no and an argument ensued.

An impasse was reached and he decided to simple leave. This was met with a physical assault. Gripping him forcefully around his neck and refusing to let go. He said OK he would stay to escape the situation and made his way to the back door and was followed and hit. His path was blocked so he returned to the front door and got out. He was followed into the street where shouting continued and more physical abuse ensued. He did away finally.

The disturbing thing is their children witnessed the whole event.

Fighting upstream is difficult

When disruptive and hurtful personalty traits are repeated against a partner they suffer unseen hurt. The problem eventually becomes: how long do you continue a relationship, even if there are children involved, while being an abused.

Here enters a problem: I am no expert but just a good witness, but I am very cautious to blame.

Witnessed

  • Regular belittlement, or putting their partner down in subtle ways by slight of tongue
  • Blaming their partner for the abuse or arguments
  • Often not acknowledging that abuse is happening
  • Playing abuse down as though it was just banter
  • Will not accept or unwilling to recognise the needs and feelings of others

Not witnessed – told by one side or the other

  • Reacts with rage or contempt
  • Tries to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
  • Willing to mislead people in by not stating the whole truth

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like or is based around – the opposite really.

These traits did not take long to be noticed in the relationship,  the thought process was simple; there is a nice person in there, a nice person that I love, and early in the relationship they were passed over as being how that person was when in certain circumstances.

Time passed, and when we met as a family the verbal abuse was more noticeable and less easy to pass off.  Why are you abusing this person?  What have they really done? Why are you continuing to dig at that person long after the event?  The cause did not warrant that level of response.  Often it was in full view of other family members, and those that had not witnessed it before did not see it for what it was – abuse.

Street angel, house devil, comes to my mind.  Behind closed doors reasonable adult judgement was not shown.  In public sweetness and light was the beacon to watch.  Arguments would start small and escalate out of control, often introducing spurious concerns unconnected and a goading process would unravel until stalemate existed and emotions were left very high.  Going to work etc. was the solution, but for only one person.

Emotionally, on both sides, there was no place to go, no unsaying something could be done to reset the status

Counselling has been tried but that has to be done as equals who both must want to explore the possibilities of recovery.  This can only be fruitful if both people accept that they bear a part of the cause.  One party does not feel there is anything wrong with their behaviour, actions or demands and will always want to win at any cost.

The response was to try and not get sucked into arguments so as to calm the situation, but this would cause the situation to get worse as claims of being unreasonable or objectionable would be made.

We are unsure of exactly how the ‘other’ family see the situation, but we do know there has been unfair pressure placed on one person to leave the family home.  So in effect a three woman attack (the aggressor, her mother and grand mother) has been made on one person.  A lesser person would have walked away months, if not longer, ago if were not for the children!

We have, and will always supported them both as we want their relationship to continue in a healthy way and fully understand this will be apart but the children must be protected and grow up with loving parents and a support network around them.

Gaslighting

I recognised a pattern of events and wondered whether there was a known condition that would explain what was driving these situations and therefore provide a solution to resolve the issues. Yes.

I was surprised, very surprised. It is a phenomena known as Gaslighting (been used in the plot of film – Gas Light 1940) that describes how a person systematically destroys the confidence of another by undermining their self esteem to a point where they sanity is also destroyed.

I researched further and read the accounts of Gaslighting and there were too many occurrences I witnessed that for me not to say there was in my opinion Gaslighting taking places. I was shocked!

Please accept I am a layperson, not a mental health professional but it left me worried.

The chilling thing is: all the advice about the outcomes were the same – leave as you have no fulfilling relationship and you stand a chance of serious mental health repercussion yourself.

Problem: there are children in the relationship.

My partner and I

We have cried together, we have laid awake and talked at three and four o’clock in the morning. We just don’t know what to do. We have two sons in difficult relationships.

We do not think we have been bad parents: there are always things that could be done differently, but nothing major.

It might sound harsh, and I want to say we fully support our sons, their partners and their children, but it is the two young ladies who have both had very difficult and different upbringings that are a cause for concern.

We can only support all of them, and not interfere.  They are our family!

The PIP process

This form is a nightmare.  It has been written in a pathetic style that is designed to fit everyone.  Bearing in mind it is to be completed by a range of people from physically disabled people to people with mental health issues it is based upon differences since the last time it was completed.  For many people remembering exactly how they were the last time the form was completed is impossible.

Life for this young lady has been dogged with past memories that cause great pain when relived, self harm has been done, abusive relationships lived through, with violent physical abuse received along with mental abuse.

Confidence is zero: self esteem is zero, self loathing is there and the vision that she has absolutely no future and is never listened to and even less understood are her daily thoughts and isolation through music blots out memories and the passage of time.

A wish not to affect her young child with negative attitudes has been the one constant wish, but, sadly is failing.

With this as the backdrop completing the form became a mountain to climb. Three or four evenings were spent with her partner trying to complete the form, but to no real avail.

I previously mentioned a one-size fits all questionnaire: the questions all read the same apart from the intent. In essence it is about the difference between two years ago and now. No real records existed for reference purposes and the pain of time means last weeks memory is a long time ago and incomplete.

I have known this lady for the last two years and I have witnessed a total decline of the persons mental health. I sat with this lady and had to search her thoughts and feelings to get the correct information – not my interpretation of her words, but her words.

Several times I would turn back to write and she would be gone to refuge. Occasionally she would return I and want to engage but with difficulty. I had to leave to return the next evening.

The allotted date arrived and it was not complete. I had arranged to visit her during the afternoon and phone the people, but much to my pleasure and surprise she had called them and an extension was offered.

SANE

I attended an introduction evening with the SANE Charity in North London. I had hoped to help them and as a spin-off understand what I could do better my family.

The evening was very well run and delivered a powerful message about what they did and how they did it.

It was only on the evening it became apparent that while a national charity they operated from one office in North London and had a minimum of three four hour shifts in a week over a year.

This was impractical for me due to commitments I already have.

Helping people in their time of crisis is a fantastic thing to do, and while I can’t help now, I may be able to do so in the future. I wish them good fortune in the future.

Going through the mill of coercive control

A family member and their partner are having a difficult time with their personal relationship and there is only so much moral support and guidance you can give them without becoming frustrated as the facts of the situation are taking them to separation and children are involved.

Their relationship is fragile.  One of them pushes the emotions of the other without understanding there are penalties and consequences of all life’s actions – with speech it is a memory.  There is an accumulation effect where previous ‘pushing’s’ are added too and a saturation point will arrive where change or break is the fork in the road: Decision time!

One person will simple talk in a passively aggressive way to the other and not listen to reasoned argument.  They have a point they want to get across at any cost and will not give in for any reason no matter how rude they are or how off topic they become. Tempers and emotions on both sides are raised.  The other person is engaged with the argument but is, due to the relentless barrage over a two year, or longer period, ow tries to become disengaged; but this aggravates the situation and that is then the new snippet argument that is taken forward.

No matter what happens it is only stopped by walking away and taking further abuse about not wanting to conclude the argument that is circular in nature and can’t be changed with out a mindset update.

It’s all about me: gas-lighting? Narcissistic attitudes?  An abusive relationship?

Joint counselling has been tried, but one side does not acknowledge there is a real problem and even if there was it’s not mine attitude is prevalent. I have not witnessed this but from conversations it is evident that one party is guarded in the conversation during counselling for fear of retribution at a later date. There was a fortuitous event that meant only one person could attend and true openness was allowed.

Footnote: separation is now happening but counselling has been agreed. I just hope the children are not held hostage!

Someone is being used!

A close friend of our sons partner happens to be a house mate of our son. She may not realise this but she is being pumped for information about our son by his ex-partner.

What is said we don’t really know, as what we hear is possible somewhere between a lie and the truth! But it always has a spin against our son – yes I would say that, but …

Their children stayed with our son overnight and a short time after we were told that the children did not want to stay with him again, as they did not like seeing our son kissing his new partner.

We have been told that previously his ex-partner had had a weekend away with a chap, but the weekend had not gone that well. We know no more.

How bitter can someone be?

During the last few months the partner of our son and the mother to two granddaughters has shown her true colours by her bitter actions.  It’s getting to an identifiable stage where the children are being used as a point of reference to bargain with.

Having moved out of the family home our son still acknowledges his duties to support his children and be a responsible father.  This includes the major responsibility such as providing the same level of support as he would do as if he was there. Namely money and contact.  This becomes a little difficult as work demands and living a short way away creates there own logistical problems.

A weekend was being planned to visit us and it was thought that the children could not travel as they would be away from her for to long a time.  However the following weekend she wanted a break with, I believe her new partner, and those rules were forgotten.

Access to the children is under stick control now, if not rationed.

More talking …

The sessions I had with the therapist were strange to start with. Never in my life had I ever spoken so openly to anyone about me.

She listened and showed only empathy.  Occasionally asking questions that took me in a parallel direction but allowed my concentration to pick up on buried experiences in depths of my mind.  I was never questioned in a way that appeared to apportion blame or cast doubt

I’ll say now, at every session I cried.  I did not feel embarrassed at all, and not any better for doing so either.  Even now the closest I can get to for trigger moments is my total disgust with myself for my inability in times of need not to be able help others.

I could not help at the train crash or the suicide, so I became a victim of circumstance; which I could not accept but also could not reduce the anguish I felt.

I fear blood. I pass out and end up having to receive help.

So a double hit for my emotions and feelings: can’t help BUT BUT BUT I must.

Our discussion first had to workout which was my biggest concern, the train crash or the suicide.

Both events were as vivid today as if it had happened yesterday.  I had had longer to stew on the train accident and it was this event that gave me the greatest torment.

During the last year – Talking Theories

Late in publishing

Roundabout this time last year (2016) I was anxious as to what to expect from counselling.  I was open minded in as much I accepted I had to have help.  But unsure as to how my mind would be prepared to give up what it was hiding from me let alone to a stranger.

I had had one session and felt very comfortable in the presence of the lady therapist.  I was given straightforward guidance:  I hold the answer, I will be lead, not pushed and on the whole I will set the pace. I was happy with this.  I should expect to dig deep into my past.  I was reassuring and said I would be open and honest.

We talked about were I was, what triggered my actions and how those actions were played out.  Even now I do not like my self for responding how I did, but …

In short and mentioned in previous pages; when purposely provoked I would have great problems containing my emotions and let rip taking no prisoners.  Afterwards I would inwardly brew and beat my self up.  The pain of this never dissipated it just accumulated with the last and I know the next.

The therapist asked about people who I admired and could draw inspiration from when needed at a time of provocation.  It took a little time (two, three weeks) and I chose Gandalf, Schindler and Banardo.

Gandalf for his ability to always have a great grasp of the issues, an answer and present his case in a calm and compassionate way while listening to others point of views.

Schindler for his true compassion and not wanting or expecting anything in return.

Banardo for his wish to help children who in their formative years need love and compassion in a safe environment and again with no personal benefit.

This idea brings forward the expectation that I can take inspiration from them and act according to good role models that come with my very own recommendations.

The problem is the short fuse I have.  I have a firework rocket in one hand and a lite match in the other … it does not take long to … it’s a shorter time than it is divert my attention with an intervention.

I am not unique

Reading other people’s blogs who were sharing their mental health issue was mind-calming to me, and I am sorry for being trite, showed me that I am not as unique as I thought I was.

I follow other people and organisation with #tags relating to mental health and such, and find them supportive in a personal way. However, I cannot, yet, declare my identity as I don’t feel safe.

This is contrary to the in vogue message of promoting mental health issues wherever in the workplace etc.

The Future is Bright, the Future is Mental Health.

This was me (below) but life has moved on. Counselling showed me I was not to blame and I can change my perspective on the past and remember it.  It is okay, safe and not disloyal to others to remember what happened without the negative effect that came to drive my life.

You don’t need me to tell you how mental health has come to the fore but this blog has evolved for me, as mental health issues are affecting every part of my family and family life.  It is as though from nowhere we are all involved at a deep routed profound level of existence.

I have now given myself a wider remit as I want to record what is happening as, to be honest, I can’t believe what we are going through. I thought we were a normal family and if everyone is as normal as we are it is a rum life we have.

This was me: A confused person suffering with PTSD.  Confused as I feel a fraud. People I know still see the old me, old because I know I have changed, and I feel cannot understand what I am going through on the inside.  I would consider myself a mild sufferer as I don’t exhibit every PTSD trait.

Why don’t I write more?

My life has drastically changed over the last two to three years, mostly for the better, but I cannot see how the grief I have has come my way.  I am not an innocent bystander, I am a bit-part player in other people’s lives, all be it sometimes unwittingly.

I have not been asleep and missed things.  I have not stumbled blindly into situations.  The signals and signs have been there but the onslaught has been relentless and in some cases simply overwhelming.

Well, why don’t I write more?  A simple question, but a complex answer is needed.

I enjoy writing; I like the discipline of being thorough, accurate and ordered. I want to be factually correct, concise, fluent and chronological.

These factors are like the sword of Damocles for me.

For me writing is painfully slow and the end result must be balanced and fully reflect my meaning and sentiment as defending self-contractions in future times is painful.  It could also generate distrust by others.

The problem I see is only I know the facts of my life and this is my perspective.  This is my bubble.  Due to my anonymity no one else can check the facts. My facts may come across as opinions, which can be questioned but are not wrong!  So on I go …

I want to write more often, but the rigorous process stifles me, and stops spontaneity; so I must change.

I plan to write non-chronologically which means I might have to use sign posts to past entries and sign post to future entries which may take a time to be written.  This may mean it looks or feels jumbled but it will aid my desire to write more.

Success will tell when I reflect, in say a years time.

… and so it ended

My time came to an end. I became aware that all the talking I had needed to do had been done, and talking anymore, and being helped, would not add to my level of understanding. I felt comfortable with my situation.

All the unpacking of stuck and un-reconciled thoughts had been sufficiently unpacked and restored suitable.  Any more talking or EMDR would not expand my knowledge or understanding of the events or sooth my feelings and emotions more.

We did a round up and a summary flowed. It’s okay to remember and not feel upset or guilty.  It’s okay to have sad memories but they should not drag me down or be allowed to act as fuse to ignite emotions.

My inherent desire to help should be limited in expectations to what I can reasonable do, and I should not feel guilty about not doing enough!

This end was, even now, unexpected on my part.  I sat down for a session and I concluded I felt things had run there course.  I had spoken enough, listened enough and cried enough.  It no longer gripped me on recall.  I was happy to recall and be in that past moment again but with a subdued emotional feeling.

Bloody PIP

 

Well, the PIP process carries on. I took time off work to take our sons partner to her PIP interview. The journey was uneventful but anxiety showed in her as we approached our destination. Cold sweet, stammers in her voice and a reluctance to want to attend took over.

Once we found the place it was off for a comfort break. Tea and coffee later we went back.

The chap on reception was very helpful and polite and we waited and waited. Our sons partner became more and more agitated and went outside and was sick.

On her return I had to break the news her paperwork was not there and they did not know where it was. I expected a full blown outburst, was pleasantly surprised at how calm we all were.

Her paper work was in a far off distant office as a home visit had been requested by the CPN and needed a Doctors approval but no one was bothered to wait until it had been agreed before making the appointment.

Controlled tears were shed and a reticence set in that acknowledge that it had all gone wrong again.

We left not really knowing when the visit would be or where.

Moving out!

Leaving relationship where children are involved is not done on a whim. The reason will become distant memories in the future, but the pain will keep you awake at night.

Environmental Psychology has explanations on what attracts people. Earning potential is just one aspect of this fatal attraction. So when one partner can’t see the benefit of earning more than just a subsistence wage but wants a higher life style it should not be rocket science to see there is a mismatch in life’s expectations.

Time came when the balance of sanity had to be addressed. A new home for a single person was found and they moved out.

Total meltdown

Starting on a new course is an exciting thing. It may come with trepidation but not with fear. That is to say a stereotypical thought and does not apply to some one with anxiety. I missed a trick in trying to deescalate a situation and paid the price.

Time had been built into the day to allow for changes and arriving relaxed. I was providing transport and child care. The car seat was moved into my car but not fitted. We had time!

Securing the car seat was a bit of a faff as my hands do not allow the clip to be passed through the seat covers with ease, but it was done as a joint effort. The next step – secure child in seat proved so difficult that it did not happen. The webbing between the child’s legs had been pulled tight, by me, that in no way could the shoulder straps be positioned over the child’s shoulders unless they were of only paper thickness.

Neither I or the parent could release the tightness of the straps. We tried every which way we could but no. We took the chair out and looked and poked it everywhere but the shoulder straps would not budge.

All this time my grandson was climbing through the gap between the front seats thinking every time we moved he was being chased. Buttons were pushed in more than one way! The parents temper broke and harsh words spoken, and not because of that his full nappy started to leak, yes out over the car seats.

The parent went passed that point where talking would help recovery. I spoke to the course organiser and explained the situation and it was my fault and this was understood and appreciated. The parent was now in shock and could not be reconciled. Thoughts of failure were spoken, thoughts of nothing every going properly were said and my suggestion of calling for a taxi was rebuffed by pointing out to me that this, say 15m, was the farthest she had been from the front door in over a week.

We returned indoors where I had to bath my grandson due to the nappy explosion.

We agreed I would visit the course venue and check what we should do as she was very worried she would be kicked off the course. They understood and it was not a problem.

For the life of PIP’s

Renewing a PIP is not for the faint heart-ted; for someone with mental health issues of PTSD, Anxiety, ERD it is a stressful process that has caused near breakdown with withdrawal from life in general and a hinted desire to end it all.

Moving house from one which was overcrowded, but had everything in its correct place, was tidy, warm and homely, to a place that was, decoration wise, bad to poor, where there was no place to put anything away, with bare floors and stairs was a step to far.

Not that it’s potential was unseen, just the background issue exasperated the situation.

Agoraphobia crept in to a point where the youngest member of the family spent a disproportionate time in a high chair in front of the television while the mother hid her self away and would not leave the house.

I might be impartial but the young member is bright, alert, happy, caring for those around him and greatly enjoys the company of others. Play School is not an option as going out only to be judged by EVERYONE for EVERYTHING was not a viable proposition. If something can go wrong it will go wrong and will be four or five times the magnitude of the EVERY-OTHER persons problems and will cause more withdrawal from life and more pressure.

It’s not only the sufferer who suffers, or the infant, but partners. No matter what the father said he was wrong, got scolded, got chastised, got pushed away and not wanted. It’s sad, very sad.

The PIP form is ‘one form’ fits all, and while to those who wrote it with clarity and brevity in mind miss the bloody point. I am not sure whether the form is designed to be intimidating, but that is what it is.

EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy

Not surprisingly EMDR was a new thing to me.  So I instinctively researched the topic.  Like it said in the material: the actual reason it works is not fully understood but it does.

The link above is to a US site; it describes a clear procedure to follow in a numbered section.  With hindsight I was taken through the process.

My sessions were conducted using headphones and a regular click alternating between my ears to achieve by-lateral stimulation.

The premise is: there are unsaved memories stored within the mind that have not been fully assimilated to become a fully reconciled memories.  These un-reconciled memories are in an unconscious state but never the less feed and disrupt other mental activities, which manifest in different ways, for different people at various times with different trigger moments.  Needless to say the outcome is usually negative.

While this ‘left click, right click, left click’ continues I was to be engaged with questions to consider answers for which, for unknown reasons, unpacks the un-reconciled memory and gracefully slides all the anguish and hurt into new homes within the mind in an organised and non-anguished way.

So in my terms, it is de-fragmenting my mind to remove the harmful information by neutralising it.

PIP – If it can go wrong, it will, twice!

The form was sent off and shortly after a meeting arranged. Child care was arranged, transport for the return trip arranged. On the day the car broke down.

Telephone calls made and apologise made but underlying this was a feeling of failure but not of her making.

A second interview was arranged, but no transport could be provided by friends and family. At the destination station only stairs existed and when a stranger was asked about disabled access the stranger was rude and very disparaging towards her. Rather than help she left a mother and child in distress.

I have witnessed melts down of this young lady and I am very impressed how she coped.

Telephone calls were made and proof of train tickets had to be provided to satisfy the agency.

We are now waiting for the next visit to take place.

It is an onslaught on life

Yesterday I had a message from a family member who was in distress; a close friend, who we also knew, had committed suicide by hanging. This is the second close friend to be lost in 36 months.  The first, due to an overdose of drugs but at the moment it is unclear what the true motivation was.

My family member took the first death very badly as their friendship had been strong and the circumstances of the overdose were very sad.  I don’t want to write more for fear of identifying anyone.

When I was a part of someone else’s suicide I did a lot of sole searching as to why that person had that as the only option.  Had they sort help?  Why had it not worked?  Who was in their life and did they know?  Had they been rebuked?  Who had they left behind?  Why could they not speak to anyone?  I could continue but I have no greater insight.

Some people think it is a selfish act on the part of the victim, having been through PTSD I think not.  Anxiety always lived just under surface of my thoughts in a shady place, sometimes in my consciousness but mostly not.  When a trigger event happened expressive anxiety kicked in and rational thought, for me anyway, just did not exist.  My thoughts would take place at rocket speed and just be bounced around in my mind introducing stray thoughts into the balance and there was no external stimulus could penetrate my gruff exterior.  Lasting seconds only, but feeling much longer until rationality, followed by remorse and conciliation happened.

For some, suicide is a logical solution to a problem where they see no end to negative external stimulus.

A theory I have

I have a theory: As the use of drugs has become more common the norm has changed such that public seems to be complacent with defeatist acceptance that nothing can be done and it must therefore be ok.

The debate as to whether cannabis should be legalised or not is an indication, to me at least, that all is not well. It’s easy to just say it’s no more damaging than alcohol but those sentiments are expressed by those people who have not seen what damage alcohol and drugs actually causes.

Addiction is crippling, it threatens family life, children, parents and society.  It causes chaos within families where none existed. It causes … I could go on … but just rant, which is not what I want.

Any addiction needs feeding to satisfy the demand, a demand that places individuals in harms way.

Partner has a hard time

The partner in this relationship is suffering greatly.  He phones home during the working day to a non-greeting.  He arrives home from work to simple see his partners feet disappear up the stairs to leave him looking after his son.  No feelings are shown to him.

When we are altogether he just gets harsh and rude disparaging words grunted towards him.  He can do no good.

He does a very physical job and if I don’t say so my self works very hard for the money he earns.

I see the damage being caused to his feelings and it hurts me.  He is standing by his partner and child but for how long is the question.

Reflection …

Just remembered an experience – perhaps 55 years ago.  While a young child, I had what people now say are out-of-body experiences.  I would be above me while I was asleep in my bed. Looking down and around, no noise, no panic. I was aware I existed twice.

This is now a reflective comment: during the EMDR sessions I felt involved with the event in a way that my thoughts had barred me from.

In a strange and reflective way this is how I responded when under the influence of the bilateral simulation of EMDR. The emotional feelings were mine but their impact was not present.

Prior to counselling I would cry when recalling either of the two major events I had been through. I don’t now. I would describe my feelings and emotions as being mournful and respectful. However I must not forget!

I am not saying there is a meta-physical connection but a coincidence is present.

Oh! For the love of a mother …

A little history: around her birthday and Christmas anxiety builds. Tempers fray, hiding away becomes a desire that pushes everyone away; that includes me, other family members and their child. This is a pattern that was noticed over a three year period and discussed this evening – with openness and tears.

Difficult memories are revisited by her and the question that arises is ‘… why did my two parents who had me, do so much to destroy me and my childhood and not even give a —- about me then or now, and why have I been spurned when I have tried to make contact …’

Her sister is older and their aunt and grand parents are about but are distant and offer no family support and contact has been lost.

These times are difficult as she is amongst a strong family, who talk with family history at their finger tips, who have a shared past, and have love and kinship. These things have been denied her and she really craves it.

She would like to understand what a child could have done to be inflicted with this pain that is still not resolved after 30 years and has wrecked her life.

Her mother and farther, and her mother’s lover, played a disastrous role in her up-bringing that has caused grief for 30 years. Drugs and alcohol were the foundation of their life, and they got away without honouring their natural duties as parents.

We include her in our family and love her as our own child, for which we are acknowledged, but we cannot sweep away her feelings and whatever we say must sound like an apology for bad parents.

I do not know what we can do, what we can say, how we can help. It’s a huge problem, and a very fine line as to whether what we say helps or hinders recovery.

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