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On this occasion time was not pressing so we just I talked and talked. He did know I had been treated for PTSD and I talked about the process of EMDR and without any warning I found my self fighting back tears and not really able to continue the conversation.
I had revisited my past and those memories of the train accident returned at full blast, just full unabated blast. That shocked me greatly. I did not know where it came from and I said that I had thought I had a learnt to manage those feelings and was able to revisit the accident and walk calmly through the scene and accept I could do no more – but how wrong I was.
It was several week ago now and I think of that event with mixed emotions. I was shocked that the memory was still so vividly and emotional for me. Then, how innocent the trigger was.
Reflecting on that, I was pleased that my fear of forgetting the event had not taken place as I felt I would be disrespectful to those who were hurt in the train crash.
It seems rather fitting to return to writing today as it’s the anniversary of the train accident I was in. I had not planned this; it just came to me ten minutes ago.
I will backtrack in the near future as I was advised to stop writing at the start of my treatment which started nearly a year ago.
The ‘now’ is good, very good. Today I have remembered and unlike the 27 previous years do not feel guilty, I have no anguish and no tears.
The strange thing is and will always be I was surprised that an event so long ago was the seat of my PTSD.
I don’t know who will read this or my previous writings but if you are suffering please get help.
More very shortly …