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Looking at the situation dispassionately

I need to say that if someone keeps poking an open wound don’t be surprised if you are poked back. Take it as a warning – you have over stepped to mark.

The situation is not changing. Abuse is still seen as fare communication and hurt feelings are not even noticed or considered.

My son is in an abusive relationship. He is the aggrieved partner. Much has already been written here about this so …

I believe our sons verbal retaliation has been commensurate with the aggression and rudeness shown to him by his partner, partners mother and her current partner, her natural father, her grand mother and grandfather. They have all rounded on him: from telling him to leave the family home to stop trying to run his business there as it was worth nothing and man up and bugger off.

This might sound I am being impartial but he has man’d up. That is how he has coped with the vitriolic comments from them all.

Their support all adds grist to the mill and supports his partners attitude. Never, to my knowledge, have any of her relations tried to reconcile their relationship and help them in a positive manner. They tell her what she wants to hear. Our son see through this and has had to be honest and tell her and them that they have a one sided view of life. This has not been received well and they cannot really defend themselves.

So a summary: his partner and her five immediate family do not want him about.

He has moved out of the family home and has his ex-partners confidant is resident in the house he shares. She is being used to feed his ex-partner with personal information about what our son is doing and with whom he keeps company.

Now the crux of the issue: if she does not want to be with him – fare enough, life changes people; then let him go and work to be civil for the sake of everyone’s sanity. Let life takes it’s course, don’t be on at him every single time you feel the need. Don’t use the children as a tool to turn the screw on him. Don’t set the children up to resent him by subtle based leading questions, where yes is always the answer. They are programmed to say yes which is what she wants to hear only to reinforce her insecurity. Don’t lay traps for him by questioning her confidant. Last, but perhaps the biggest change: make your own mind up, without fishing for support from your own family who are of the same mind set as you.

Life is good and she can be so much better. However, reconciliation is not on the cards while there is no change or contrition.

Our son wants to be in the life of their children and support them but cost does have limits.

Going through the mill of coercive control

A family member and their partner are having a difficult time with their personal relationship and there is only so much moral support and guidance you can give them without becoming frustrated as the facts of the situation are taking them to separation and children are involved.

Their relationship is fragile.  One of them pushes the emotions of the other without understanding there are penalties and consequences of all life’s actions – with speech it is a memory.  There is an accumulation effect where previous ‘pushing’s’ are added too and a saturation point will arrive where change or break is the fork in the road: Decision time!

One person will simple talk in a passively aggressive way to the other and not listen to reasoned argument.  They have a point they want to get across at any cost and will not give in for any reason no matter how rude they are or how off topic they become. Tempers and emotions on both sides are raised.  The other person is engaged with the argument but is, due to the relentless barrage over a two year, or longer period, ow tries to become disengaged; but this aggravates the situation and that is then the new snippet argument that is taken forward.

No matter what happens it is only stopped by walking away and taking further abuse about not wanting to conclude the argument that is circular in nature and can’t be changed with out a mindset update.

It’s all about me: gas-lighting? Narcissistic attitudes?  An abusive relationship?

Joint counselling has been tried, but one side does not acknowledge there is a real problem and even if there was it’s not mine attitude is prevalent. I have not witnessed this but from conversations it is evident that one party is guarded in the conversation during counselling for fear of retribution at a later date. There was a fortuitous event that meant only one person could attend and true openness was allowed.

Footnote: separation is now happening but counselling has been agreed. I just hope the children are not held hostage!

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