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I could not justify not telling them about both situations … my performance is poor.
I have only told my line manager, a project specific manager and two very good young chaps who report to me about my plight.
As my exploratory operation is on Wednesday, and it could be good or bad I felt they should know.
My involvement with the project has dwindled and in effect I have withered on the vine. I should have challenged a lot more events that have happened, but knew I could not resolve them in a timely manner to keep things on side. Starting a challenge needs to be managed or the vacuum it leaves is more disastrous than not challenging: others feel they have succeeded over you.
On this occasion time was not pressing so we just I talked and talked. He did know I had been treated for PTSD and I talked about the process of EMDR and without any warning I found my self fighting back tears and not really able to continue the conversation.
I had revisited my past and those memories of the train accident returned at full blast, just full unabated blast. That shocked me greatly. I did not know where it came from and I said that I had thought I had a learnt to manage those feelings and was able to revisit the accident and walk calmly through the scene and accept I could do no more – but how wrong I was.
It was several week ago now and I think of that event with mixed emotions. I was shocked that the memory was still so vividly and emotional for me. Then, how innocent the trigger was.
Reflecting on that, I was pleased that my fear of forgetting the event had not taken place as I felt I would be disrespectful to those who were hurt in the train crash.