Late in publishing
Roundabout this time last year (2016) I was anxious as to what to expect from counselling. I was open minded in as much I accepted I had to have help. But unsure as to how my mind would be prepared to give up what it was hiding from me let alone to a stranger.
I had had one session and felt very comfortable in the presence of the lady therapist. I was given straightforward guidance: I hold the answer, I will be lead, not pushed and on the whole I will set the pace. I was happy with this. I should expect to dig deep into my past. I was reassuring and said I would be open and honest.
We talked about were I was, what triggered my actions and how those actions were played out. Even now I do not like my self for responding how I did, but …
In short and mentioned in previous pages; when purposely provoked I would have great problems containing my emotions and let rip taking no prisoners. Afterwards I would inwardly brew and beat my self up. The pain of this never dissipated it just accumulated with the last and I know the next.
The therapist asked about people who I admired and could draw inspiration from when needed at a time of provocation. It took a little time (two, three weeks) and I chose Gandalf, Schindler and Banardo.
Gandalf for his ability to always have a great grasp of the issues, an answer and present his case in a calm and compassionate way while listening to others point of views.
Schindler for his true compassion and not wanting or expecting anything in return.
Banardo for his wish to help children who in their formative years need love and compassion in a safe environment and again with no personal benefit.
This idea brings forward the expectation that I can take inspiration from them and act according to good role models that come with my very own recommendations.
The problem is the short fuse I have. I have a firework rocket in one hand and a lite match in the other … it does not take long to … it’s a shorter time than it is divert my attention with an intervention.