A little history: around her birthday and Christmas anxiety builds. Tempers fray, hiding away becomes a desire that pushes everyone away; that includes me, other family members and their child. This is a pattern that was noticed over a three year period and discussed this evening – with openness and tears.
Difficult memories are revisited by her and the question that arises is ‘… why did my two parents who had me, do so much to destroy me and my childhood and not even give a —- about me then or now, and why have I been spurned when I have tried to make contact …’
Her sister is older and their aunt and grand parents are about but are distant and offer no family support and contact has been lost.
These times are difficult as she is amongst a strong family, who talk with family history at their finger tips, who have a shared past, and have love and kinship. These things have been denied her and she really craves it.
She would like to understand what a child could have done to be inflicted with this pain that is still not resolved after 30 years and has wrecked her life.
Her mother and farther, and her mother’s lover, played a disastrous role in her up-bringing that has caused grief for 30 years. Drugs and alcohol were the foundation of their life, and they got away without honouring their natural duties as parents.
We include her in our family and love her as our own child, for which we are acknowledged, but we cannot sweep away her feelings and whatever we say must sound like an apology for bad parents.
I do not know what we can do, what we can say, how we can help. It’s a huge problem, and a very fine line as to whether what we say helps or hinders recovery.