It was not what I thought it would be. The lady was very very searching without being pushy, we talked as though we had known each other a long time. I don’t do that! I am a private person who holds his thoughts close but not always my younger. Recent times have proved that.
When I considered this option I had to say to my self trust the lady, trust the privacy and trust the confidentiality: Without that I can’t make progress. It will not be like to talking to someone where everything you may say will be used against you and considered ammunition for future berating. It will only be put to use to help me: again this is a strange concept to me – letting people pass my guard and to think they may help without having to trade emotions – yes I have to pay, but this is due to me greatly disliking the current me. I had considered ‘…what next … ‘ and did not like the prognosis. Why should this or these events in my life give me grief when I still have a great life and enjoy what I do – except dealing with irrational people who just lie anyway.
But I was stuck just not able to move do this left on my own I was happy in my shell of contentment. I have hid this side of me well!
The customary curtesy were passed and I trusted her straightaway. Background info was captured and the event relived. I can’t, in fact don’t want to simply reprod a word by word account of the session but it transpired that it was thought I just wanted to punish my self for my failure of not helping the people in need.
I described wanting to sit with the lady and hold her hands while on the bridge. When asked about her I could not see her face but saw a whole person with no emotions or movement. I could not speak to her as I had no words that would fit the serenity of the time. I cannot leave here alone to face this future by her self. I would sit with her and just hold her hands in mine and wait for whenever she wanted to leave in a safe way.
An fare question was asked: what good does that do? Or along those lines. Who benefits from this. I could not answer really other than to say I had failed her, just like the people in the train accident. I should have done more, should have done more – just more.
I don’t know this lady or the people in the train crash but I know the driver of the train had been drinking, he was found guilty of whatever and spent time in Ford Open Prision and died after he was released. I do not know the other people involved in the accident and I don’t know the family history of the lady suicide victim: and I cannot understand how a person can go that far done a path and not find help somewhere. I keep saying I don’t know her and want to but life has moved on and to just forget about her is, I feel, a betrayal of a person.
I said at the top it was not what I thought. I don’t believe I was hypnotised as I just sat an talked to the lady. I sat with closed eyes and cried my heart out. This was the first time I had in all that time spoken about either of the events I had been through.
It was pointed out that after both events I just went to work the next day and did not look back. Well I did make a vow to help others and when it counted I did not.
Many years later I listened to a young chap on a Radio programme describing how he felt after he was involved in a traumatic event an he summed it up far better than I could even now. He said that telling people about what he had been to was like talking to people who just did not understand but nodded at the right time. It would not matter what he said, people just did not get it. That’s me!